26-08-2010

Finally its the end for everything, actually i know this would come and i can't save it anymore. Once before my friend asked me, half year. How deep is my love for her, I can't answer it myself. I just silently thinking over there, but my friend say... i already gave him an answer. I was still blur about my answer.

My best friend, sabby call me when she saw what i posted in facebook. She was so care about me but i turn her down. Ended up she hanging up the call. I guess i already lost a lot of thing cause of this relationship and i don't want to lose more. Now is time for me to let everything go and be myself back. I mean my old self. Gonna focus in career and life. About love just put it away 1st la.

How long does a human life span can last? And how long does mine last? I dunno, maybe wont last long. another 20 years? I wish i could achieve what i want before the time come.

Enough of crying for me, enough of hurting for me, enough of thinking of her. No matter how hard i try to cling to thing relationship but when thing doesn't work out, it's time to let go. Sabby thank u, u really touched me, u told me that i was a good guy while i think i was not. I also not sure about it but here is something i can promise u now and forever, No matter what happen to u or me, our friendship will last eternally.

1 hour then i going to leave my old self behind me. Buried my love deep inside of me once again. A bright new day are yet to come, so I will move forward to my life.

Relief

Recently i met a girl name sabby, a quite cute, nice, friendly and funny girl. Tho we just met tru facebook but we talk a lot. About our love life, interest, hobby, song and a lot more. When i was sad, she was there for me, and when she was sad she came and find me. The moment might short but my heart really been catch by her. I never thought there someone that can make me feel like i felt on my 1st love. Fast to come, happy to hear from her, even a small simple thing were enough to make me smile. Still remember she scolded me cause of my ex, or maybe it's not scold. She told me i was her best friend but i guess i want something more than this, but it wont happen again. Or forever i wont think about it. Cause she met a better guy ady. should be way better than me ba. well all i need is that she happy and that's enough for me. I can't say that i really love her cause just such short time. But i can say that i really like this girl. She had everything i need, as a girlfriend. My dream girl came but she belong to other. Well like my quato, the best doesn't belong to me, but still i going to fight to be the best for other^^

Time close up the door to my heart for sometimes, and fight for money. Hmm how long will it been shut?? Maybe like last time, 3-4years. Take this time to make myself a better person and by that time just find someone that love me. For now sorry to all of you, i don't need love ... I need money^^

Faith

Recently i found out that i really losing my faith toward human being. Everything seem to be fake to me. People, Word are thing that can't be prove by merely word's. Maybe i trusted someone too much until in the end, i end up breaking my faith by myself. When it come to something that i can't confirm about, there a lot of conclusion coming out of my mind. I will think will they lie to me about this and that, will they just merely giving all those empty words out just to make me shut up.

I don't think that i am that jerk already. Before this i was like a stupid idiotic guy that easily been cheat. Ya, i admit that i can easily believe in someone. Whatever they told me as long as it logic, i will believe it. But thing have changed since pass few year, and right now i just realize it's hard for me to believe in other's. Especially those that cheated me before.

Human, are just too unpredictable. At this very moment they could treat u as nice as they can but just a split second they could treat u as cold and as cruel as they were like animal brutally hunting down their prey. And they never thought that they might hurt someone. Ok, maybe they got think bout it but in physical way. They never think that they will end up breaking someone inner self, people trusted you and why should u break it? Can't u treat me as i treated u guys? I accepted u guys as my friend, best friend and lover. But no matter what lies does appear between all of us. Why thing like this should have get between us? Is it we can't live without mask on us? Can't we just be the way we suppose to be? Is it in this reality world there are nothing such as faith?

~~Memory~~

Today as i was arranging my messy desk, i found a piece of paper. It's was a song writen by me. A song that i never could finish it now. I remember i wrote this song for my 1st girlfriend to celebrate our 4th year anniversary but before i could have present this song to her, she told me that we need to break up.

I ask for a reason why? She reply me, because of my job, i got no time for her. I dunno what to reply her that time. After a few minute of silent, i told her this... "thank you for loving me all this time, i really appreciate everything we have been tru. Although this is not what i wanted but this is the best for us. I got my dream to chase and u got your's. It is time for us to move on our own path". She silently look at me, and for the last time i hug her and also kissed her. She is my 1st girlfriend and i really wanted her to be my last, but we were too young when we started. The time are not right.

But everything is already in the pass, this song will always be a song without ending. Maybe i will continue wrote it but do i still can find a reason for it? Will the one i love will appear once again? Someone that will really love me and someone who really care bout me. Well all i can hope is, there are a girl treat me good and don't lie to me then it will be enough for me already. I hoping for it^^

hopefully

I missed her so much, the one that always chat with me, sms with me, and even msn and facebook with me. Just dunno why, she get into my world so fast. Always spinning around and running around my mind. Hope she also feel the same^^ Love ya

Coldness

Something happened recently, She saw what i wrote in facebook and some misunderstanding happen. The post was "i missing u" but then my ex sister reply in it, and i have to pretend like we are still together. And it happen to be saw by her. She started to ignore me and i still dunno of what happening. How stupid am i. Day passed and i finally realize the coldness that she showing me, and i asked her rather something make her treat me this way. She told me what she said, and i was sorry about it. I really Forgetting about my ex and wanna to be with her. I told her the whole story and she seem to understand my situation. Well she a nice girl and i dun wanna hurt her. Still i have to prove to her that i am ready to accept a new relationship. "S" trust me ok?

Happiness

I just found out that a lot among my friend are not happy recently. They cried in front of me, telling me their problem... They ask me one question, why they can't find happiness? I think for awhile, but aren't happiness can be found by ourself? We can choose to happy or sad. Not that we can't be happy but is that we choose to be sad. Why dun just live life easy a bit? Dun look up to something that not so sure about it. Just make thing simple and we can be happy^^

apologize to someone that meant to me

Few weeks ago, someone very nice call me to cheer me up cause i was so down back then. At 1st we talk nicely but then my emotion start to take over me... and i end up being very rude to her. She was very nice to me. a very nice and precious friend of me. i really hope she could forgive me and accept me once again as a friend. but i can just hope cause she just wont accept my apology....
I really regret. Im sorry charmaine a.k.a pinky

Jokes...

I just make a joke with my friend and it's end up pissed her off... I really over did it, and i dun really mean it. Really i dun mean it. If she ever see this post, i hope she forgive me. I use to joke like this with my friend but i dunno its hurt u so much. I apologize. i really do. i know it wont work for u. i am sorry to break ur heart.

Decision

Love always happen among human because human have one thing that call heart. And i just went tru a relationship that i working so hard to maintain it, but i might be at my limit already. It's very tiring and suffering but i do admit that i was happy with it. It might seem stupid but i think it worth until now. But sometimes we, Human need to make a decision that they don't want to, and i guess that's the only thing i can do for us. If this will bring more happiness for all of us, then i think it's the right way. I been scolded by everyone, even a friend that i just met cause of my "cleverness". But love are blind, Its make human get into a dreamland if they don't know how to manage love. And i felt into it. Thing are just wonderful in the dreamland, but when this what i call wonderful turn into my nightmare, i start to close my eyes and wish i could find my way back to the wonderland. But I can't. Even how hard i tried to run, how hard i try to break this nightmare, i am still in it. I just dunno what i been tru, and it is time for me to snap out of it. Back to the world we call reality. Actually love are not everything, i just realize that around me there are a lot precious thing that I need to appreciate. Family and friends are my biggest asset. And i almost lost it all.
I hope those that reading my blog, remember this.
Love sometimes come with unhappy times but most of the time love are happiness.
If you found out that love bring suffering and sadness all the time, then that is not what we call love. I call myself idiot cause i am still suffering up until now. And i decided to slowly let it go.
I don't want other to be like me. Maybe there are no other's. I hope sooner or later i found my happiness.

I am sorry, I can't continue to keep my promises. But when you need me, I will stand out and help you, as a friend.

07-08-2010

Today u told me u going to singapore, and u told me at the last min. even tho i feel u put me in the last place but i dun blame u. I really dun wan u to go there by urself, as i am afraid of losing u again. But why, why would u let me know at the last moment. WHY? i damn sad. Been talking with u for 2 hour plus, i told u everything i keep in heart for so long. All i can do have already been done. There no other thing i can do. I said before that i wont cry for u anymore but i cant hold myself. As i was driving back, my tear flow out. My emotion break down. I cant hold myself... As i was typing thing blog, my tears flow again. I wanna hug u longer than just now. I hope u remember ur promise to me.

Memory

Remember the 1st day we met? 2nd of april, barroom. Funny thing happen, that night i don't want go but been drag out by friend. And she told me the same thing. She was wearing a black dress. She look damn amazing that night, and her 1st impression to me is "wow, she was pretty". We chat, we dance and then we kissed. I really fall in love with her on the 1st sight i saw her. Still remember our 1st kiss in car. I really love it, but will we kiss again like this in future? We been tru alot. We seperated, we get back, we argue, and now u said we should just stay as friend? Is it all that i done doesn't move u? Am i not good enuf for u?
I done all i can to prove i love u, but this might be the end of us.

Stressed

Thing are getting back to normal, but stress are still every where. Family, friends, career, life and relationship. I was wondering Why? That life can't be as simple as river flow. Or maybe life should be like ocean, sometimes there are wave and sometimes it be very calm. I guess Human life shouldn't be easy but why sometimes it been so tough? I just wanna live my life easy, without worried, but as i grown up thing getting harder. I wish i can just stay in childhood age. Can laugh when i happy, Can cry when i sad. People always say no pain, no gain. But is it real that Pain should come before Gain? I got a bit fed up with my life. Wanna run away from this world. Too bad this won't be happening. May the god bless me with the strength to go tru all this.